Since March, I have seen people pushed well beyond what would be considered to be reasonable limits. Whether working in-person or remotely (or both simultaneously), each of these scenarios have presented their own set of stressors and have demanded significantly more time and attention from all of us. This greatly impacts culture and climate in any setting.
In recent weeks, I've felt it too. I've been snapped at and even talked about by others. Those words almost always find their way back to the person being spoken about. Did these things hurt my feelings and make me feel unappreciated during what was already a very trying time? Absolutely!
So, why write about it in a blog post? I'm not writing to hurt anyone's feelings. What I'd like to do is share some of the things that I've done since the beginning of this pandemic that have been very helpful to me, in hope that it might help someone else. These strategies don't make me immune to feeling hurt or unappreciated, but they do help quite a bit.
So, this brings me to the importance of Adult SEL! SEL has been a longtime favorite part of school for me. Back in March, when the world was faced with a whole new caliber of stress, I decided I needed to "do the work" by arming myself with as much professional learning as possible. We all know the importance of taking charge of your own PD. Now, more than ever, learning as much as we can about how to take care of ourselves and our students during these stressful and unpredictable times is the best thing we can do to stay afloat. This way, we can be our best selves for our students, families and colleagues. Working to improve our own level of understanding, helps to assuage feelings of hurt and can help to prevent us from taking things personally.
Since March, I have read quite a few books and taken as many PD courses that are available on-demand as I could to help me learn how to navigate these challenging times (I think I'm up to 14). In all of these PD's, the major point of emphasis was Adult SEL. It makes complete sense! How can we be available to serve our students and assist our colleagues if we ourselves are not aware of how our own thoughts influence our feelings, how this in turn impacts our behavior, and how our words and actions impact others? We can't serve from an empty vessel, and taking time for ourselves and our own learning not only increases understanding of our own thoughts and feelings, but also raises awareness of how others are impacted and where their comments and actions may be originating from. This kind of learning better enables us to cope with the many new and different challenges that continually arise.
In my PD sessions I've learned the importance of recognizing feelings in yourself and in others, and taking a moment to pause (referred to as a meta moment) and check in with our own thoughts and feelings before any comment or action. When we witness a challenging behavior (be it with a child or an adult), it's important to pause and check in on what you're experiencing in that very first moment. What's being triggered for you? How are you feeling? I've learned about how much our thoughts actually drive our feelings. I've learned about using positive thought strategies to reframe and make better sense of difficult situations. Reflect on your own thinking and also think about what that child or adult may be going through aside from all of the stressors at school or work. What trauma(s) have they experienced? Perhaps that person has had the virus. Maybe someone in their family has had it. What if someone they love is going through a major health crisis such as cancer? What if they or someone they love is very compromised health wise, and they are terrified right now? Depression, anxiety, and fear have increased dramatically throughout our entire population since last March. No one is immune. It impacts all of us. These feelings can cause even the most positive people to behave differently. If we think about it, it's much easier to feel or express anger as opposed to sadness and hurt. Pause and think about this the next time someone says or does something that feels hurtful. Think about where it might be coming from, and know that it may have nothing to do with you. Give others the same type of understanding that you hope they would give to you if the situation were reversed. Everyone needs to be heard, and allowed to feel and acknowledge their emotions. Some may not be equipped for reciprocal understanding at this time. Many may not even be aware of the importance and need for Adult SEL (because let's face it, we ALL are in need of this right now). SEL is a lifelong learning journey. It is never something that we just master and are perfect with. There is always room for growth.
One of my favorite SEL topics for kids has been the work of Carol McCloud and her concept of Bucket Filling. In my recent work with children in classrooms, we discussed what to do when someone is "dipping" into their bucket. All of the children have shared that they know that dipping back does not make things better. Some are still working on applying this knowledge, and that's ok! Adults need reminders of this from time to time too.
It costs us nothing to be kind to one another. Be thoughtful about the words and the tone of voice you're using. It matters more than you know. We all need to vent from time to time, but we don't need to talk about others. Instead, be direct, honest and thoughtful in your choice of words with someone if you have a comment, question or concern. Know that they are experiencing stressors too. Share some positivity in your conversation. There's always something positive that can be pointed out. Use humor with students and colleagues. Smile. They can tell that you're smiling, even with that mask on. Know that everyone is just as stressed as you are, perhaps even more so. Remember that they're likely going through something outside of work too. Know that when someone is being hurtful it is because they too are hurting, and their actions likely have nothing to do with you. Please take time to let someone know that you appreciate them. Thank someone. Let your colleague know that you thought they did a great job, you liked the way they presented, conducted a lesson, spoke with a parent (think of what our school families might be going through at this time too). It's so easy to do and it will boost your spirits too. Something so small could make an incredible difference to a colleague or member of your school community.
I hope that this might inspire others to do some work with Adult SEL. This work has been helpful with bringing back a little bit of a sense of control to this way of life, and it feels good to know that you're doing something to help yourself and others!
Wishing everyone a much happier and healthier 2021!
